


Momentary

by merrakkii



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Psychological Trauma, Sexual Content, Unhealthy Relationships, alternate ghost trolls personas, everyone lived different lives, mentions of abuse, pre-death/dream bubbles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2017-05-20
Packaged: 2018-11-02 23:34:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10955055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merrakkii/pseuds/merrakkii
Summary: Kankri Vantas is aware of his numerous ghost-selves. He understands that they have lived different lives; and as such, have died in different ways to how he had personally perished. Alas, he does well not to question the possible differences of content which his other selves might have endured throughout their lives. He is simply afraid of giving in and asking these questions and is even more terrified of being satisfied with the possible answers.





	Momentary

     Dim lights and the smell of salty air never seemed to cease these days. Old habits would die hard, so they say. Kankri Vantas was unable to say whether or not he could call this 'habit' of his  _old_. Nor could he say it was difficult to kill. In fact, he was almost certain that he could give up the company of Cronus Ampora if he tried hard enough. Die hard? What a joke. He could tell the seadweller to turn his back and leave whenever he wished! There would be no need to feel sorrow for a cold space to sleep in at night after that. Why bother feeling sorry for yourself under circumstances you put yourself into in the first place? 

     Kankri supposed he was unable to say. He was never able to see straight -let alone  _think_ straight- when Cronus was resting so perfectly between his thighs. He fit like a puzzle piece in a large pool of blank pieces which never seemed to make sense. Kankri thought puzzles were tedious. They were simple and their meaning was solely one thing; to  _fit._ He hardly liked that kind of word. It made it sound like there was a category to place himself into, and he knew damn well that such a thing as _categories_ should not exist. If it did, it would mean there was supposed to be a place for people to automatically fall into just for opposing categories to shout labels and accusations. Above all, categories would single him out further than he already was. Because he did not  _fit_. 

     His blood told him that much already.

          "You still breathing, chief?" Cronus grunted. His breath was cold, just like the rest of him. 

     Kankri had not realised he had been holding his breath until now. The gush of air which left his perky lips was strong enough to shift Cronus' perfectly slicked hair out of place just a tad. He kept his eyes shut. He knew if he opened them, he would only regret it because it would be too real. He wanted to _feel_ , not to _see_. He saw enough already, thanks to his powers as a Seer. A thought occurred, mildly bringing his attention away from the bloated feeling in his stomach, ' _Cronus must have finished,'_ he wondered if this _habit_ had grown out of his endless need to shelter himself from the numerous realities of their other selves. A world where, despite all that his adult-self had believed in, would result in the end for so many other Trolls; so many other  _species_. 

     Perhaps Cronus was intellectual enough to have picked up on these feelings of self-pity dwelling within the deepest regions of Kankri's mind. Perhaps not. Cronus was the type of Troll who sought physical contact from anyone foolish enough to give in. It was amusing, really. His charisma was rather poor and his actions to provoke sexual contact were far too forced and obvious. Romance was possibly the least of his intentions when it came to intimacy. Yet, with him, Kankri just decided it was the best solution. Had it been anyone else, then it might not have been so easy to focus in and out; it would be difficult to pull apart reality and fantasy. At least this way, he could let his mind wander and Cronus could feed his lust.It was a win-win.

     It was a win-win.

          "What do you think about, y'know, during?" 

     The night Cronus had asked such a thing, Kankri had panicked. It was so unlike Cronus to speak in the afterglow of things. He made for good comfort in silence, but not for a conversationalist. 

           "You." Said Kankri, a tad hurriedly with large eyes. He shivered, though it was not due to the lack of clothing.

           Cronus frowned. The cigarette between his lips shifted to the opposite side of his mouth as he chewed on the end, a quirk he had picked up whenever he was in thought. "You're actin' kinda jumpy. Ya know that?" He tried his hardest to pull a seductive smile and dragged the ends of his fingers across the curve of Kankri's bare hip. "Ya wanna go again? I promise you'll be sleepy afterwards."

           Kankri turned his head when Cronus leant in for a kiss. Cold lips made contact with the warmth of his cheek, jagged ends of teeth digging into skin. Kankri put a firm hand on Cronus' shoulder and pushed. "I apologise, Cronus. But I wish to be alone for now."

          Cronus was hurt. It was a natural reaction which Kankri had been expecting. Nonetheless, Cronus shrugged it off and sat up, carefully plucking his clothes from their scattered spots across the room. "Whatever ya say, chief. Ya know where to find me for next time." He winked, flashing a set of pearly white teeth in Kankri's direction and left the small Hive with only his trousers hanging from his wide hips.

     Kankri never requested Cronus' company after that. It was a mutual understanding, it seemed. Cronus never questioned why Kankri would walk by him without a second glance, nor would he get angry for Kankri's off-the-wall lectures without ending it in a furious makeout session. It appeared they had both grown out of their needy pleasures and returned to the way they used to be; only Cronus was able to recover from it all too well and began openly flirting with other Trolls senselessly in public while Kankri would replay those nights with Cronus over and over in his head; appreciating the sensation he had felt whilst losing himself in his own mind where correction, diversity and the ethics of equality did not rule his every thought. 

     When Porrim would ask what was wrong, Kankri would dismiss her altogether or simply change the subject. He was gifted in the art of offering debatable topics which he and Porrim could discuss endlessly. It was the ideal strategy for getting her off of his back. He cared for her dearly, yes, but there was no need to pour every little annoyance, trouble and problem onto her. It would not be right as a friend. At least, this was what Kankri told himself in order to make things somewhat bearable when he would leave Porrim's Hive, or when Porrim would leave his.

     Lectures continued to leave his lips and the supporting preachings he and Aranea would discuss never seemed to fail him during encounters with his fellow Trolls. It seemed to be his only way of communicating with his so-called friends. His methods of speech would always get them to either leave him alone or open up about their own problems while never questioning his own personal problems. Ultimately, just like most members of every culture, Trolls adored talking about themselves and their own 'tragedies' instead of listening. Listening was what Kankri was good at, along with his solutions to addressing these problems and retracing these tragedies to something manageable. 

     Thus became another habit he did not intend to break.

     Alas, there was always one Troll who would never question him. Mainly because said Troll was incapable of speech. Once or twice Kankri had approached him, hoping to gain some kind of insight to any traumatic problems or questionable topic Kankri might be able to overcome. Yet this never seemed to be the outcome. Kurloz Makara was simply too frightening to approach off the bat without further details to support an encounter. It would perhaps look easy enough whenever Meulin or Mituna did it, but whenever Kankri took one step too close, Kurloz would just... _stare_. 

     He was not like Cronus. Cronus had to ask what Kankri was thinking, what he was feeling. No. Kurloz acted as if he was able to read Kankri's mind. He knew what he was thinking, feeling,  _needing._ For once, Kankri Vantas was not the reader, but was instead being read.

     Yet another habit he would not mind getting used to.

     

**Author's Note:**

> I had hoped to finish this in one go, but my laptop is dying. Nonetheless, exploring flaws in relationships can be quite fun most of the time. In this case, I feel rather achieved and sympathetic for Kankri's situation; so it was something like a guilty pleasure when I finally put these ideas into words!


End file.
